Search Results for: Things I've Learned

6 Things I’ve Learned in July

July 30, 2014 by Marian 16 Comments

It’s time to share the things we’ve learned this summer. The What We Learned posts are hosted by Emily Freeman as a “monthly community link-up to share the fascinating, ridiculous, sacred, or small.” Mine is usually just ridiculous. Want to know more of what I’m talking about? Go here.

In no particular order, here are things I’ve learned in July.

1. I do not understand boys but I totally love being their mom.

When I envisioned myself as a mom, I always had more boys than girls. And even though I am a girly girl all the way, I loved the idea of a house full of boys. As fate would have it, the boys do indeed outnumber the girls in our house and from a hormonal standpoint, we are all grateful. My boys are 10 and 6. I worried about the 4-year age difference between them but they are fast becoming the very best of friends. This summer has shown me that and it has been a sweet, needful gift in the midst of all the crazy.

They memorize raps and coach each other on how to get more words into one breath. {Of course they are totally rapping their Bible verses here and not “Can’t Hold Us.”}

And they are all hopped up on American Ninja Warrior.

I’m convinced that they can turn anything larger than a 4 x 4 foot space into an obstacle course. Their bedroom doorway is the spider climb. Random posters strewn across the floor are the landing spots. Sit-ups and push-ups and counting each other’s abs are daily rituals. Last night I was tucking my littlest one in bed and he asked me if I could count his “back abs”. “What are those?” I asked. “You know mom, the abs on my back. How many do I have?”

And that’s why little boys are totally awesome.

They have driven me out of my ever-lovin’ mind this summer with their noise and hooligan-ness and empty popsicle wrappers never ever in the trash can. But they have made me smile and laugh and thank Jesus for the gift of boys more times than I can count.

2. Maple syrup is my favorite coffee sweetener.

Sounds crazy but trust me. A teaspoon of real maple syrup in your coffee is perfection. My sister-in-law got me started on this and I’m never going back. It’s important to note that you must use real maple syrup. Do not, I repeat, do not go putting Mrs. Butterworth’s in your brew because that would be gross.

3. The world needs more chip and guac hats.

Nothing is wrong. I’m just chilling with the guac…from my chip hat. — Gru from Despicable Me 2

We saw Despicable Me 2 again at the free summer movies a few weeks ago. My sister and I decided that these hats need to go mainstream. Dear Walmart, please make chip and guac hats so that we can all snack our worries away while looking wonderfully ridiculous and laughing at one another. I feel like I could handle anything with one of these hats. {And a side of frozen margarita.}

4. Target donates stuff to Goodwill.

Do you know about this? Our Goodwill sells brand new goodies from Target. I guess it’s returns and overstocks. Anyway, I found two of these lovely Nate Berkus for Target tables this summer, brand new and just waiting for me amid the ceramic kitties and dusty old afghans.

Hello lover, with your faux mercury glass tops and gold frames. Please get in my minivan. Never mind those two wild boys counting abs and dripping slushie juice in the backseat.

It’s like a marriage between my two favorite stores. {T + GW 4 Ever}

5. I’m not as young as I used to be.

News flash, right?

We have some major projects and upheaval right now and in days gone by, I would have stayed up super late and consumed lots of coffee and gutted it out because I’m all about getting the job done.

Not so much now that I’m over 40. When the sun goes down, Marian is tired and can no longer work. The energy of my youth is now laughable. And I don’t ever plan on pulling an all-nighter for anything ever again. Unless there is a all-night Nate Berkus for Target overstock clearance extravaganza at the local Goodwill.

Anyway, my old-age exhaustion has been both frustrating and freeing. We all have our limitations. In my good moments, I can accept them with a sense of peace and gentleness toward myself. In my anxious moments, I tend to resent them and try to barrel ahead anyway. The latter approach never ends well. But still, I am slow to learn.

6. Several hours of quiet {in my own home or somewhere without other people} is priceless.

I’m a mom who also happens to be an introvert. I actually love people but I’m drained by social interaction instead of fueled by it. That includes interaction within my own home….especially within my own home. Steady doses of time alone are the way I recharge and maintain sanity. But this summer? It has not happened. I had my first ever time alone in months here at my house Sunday evening. Two and a half hours of blissful solitude. I literally savored the silence and stillness like it was my last meal.

And then everyone tumbled back into the house and I loved them again.

Technically this is not something new that I’ve learned. But it is something crucial that I’ve not prioritized this summer. And then I wonder why my eye twitches and I can’t remember people’s names and I forget to put a coffee mug under the Keurig while it is dripping coffee all over the kitchen counter. {True story from two days ago.}

Sometimes the alone-ness is just not possible. But when it is, it’s a gift not only to me but also to the ones I love.

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So how about you? What have you learned this summer? Tell me in the comments or feel free to link up with your own post over at Emily’s.

A few other posts from this summer

When Summer Gives You Crazy & You Give It Right Back

When Life is a Broken + Beautiful Mashup

Fighting For Peace When Everyone Else is at the Pool

8 Things I Learned on the First Day of Summer

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18 Simple Things I’ve Learned About the Not-So-Simple Art of Marriage

August 13, 2013 by Marian 12 Comments

Eighteen years ago I walked down the aisle to this handsome guy.

And yes, I did steal him from the local high school. Go ahead and gawk. I’m well aware that we look like children playing dress-up in a white dress and tux.

Perhaps I’m the last person who should write a marriage post because I’ve gotten it wrong more than I’ve gotten it right. But marriage has taught me more about life and love than any other relationship and that’s what this post is about.

As is the case in all my posts, much of what I write is directed at myself. But in case you need some thoughts on marriage too, here you go.

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1. Marriage is like a garden. This is an unfortunate metaphor for me because I tend to neglect and therefore kill all living things that sprout from soil. Nonetheless, I’ve learned that marriage will wither without consistent and thoughtful cultivation.

2. We change. And we don’t change. My husband and I got married the summer after college graduation at the ripe old age of 22. Though I thought we were prepared and mature and invincible at the time, I realize now that we might as well have been toddlers. During rough patches {and by “rough” I mean the patches in which one entertains murderous thoughts}, it’s easy to indulge thoughts like: We got married so young; we’re simply not the same people. As we’ve grown up, we’ve grown apart.

Yes, of course we grow up and change. We’re supposed to. But perhaps more stays the same than we may realize. Strip away the conflict and the kids, the budget and the balancing of schedules, and you may find that the endearing person you married is still very much there.

Focus on the differences and you’ll find them. Focus on the the endearments and you’ll find those too.

Think back to Point #1. What might you do to cultivate the beauty and wonder of that amazing person you married all those years ago? Chances are he or she is still there; they just may need some “tending to.”

3. Don’t value anyone’s opinion above your spouse’s. Not your best friend’s or your mom’s or your mentor’s or some expert. This is your life partner, the person you are one with.

His opinion matters not because he is perfect or even right. His opinion matters because he’s your #1 person.

Value him by valuing his thoughts and ideas. And then stand back and watch what happens.

4. Receive the love. If he tells you you’re beautiful or talented or funny, believe it. If she tells you that you’re handsome or wonderful, believe her. Don’t offer disclaimers and don’t wish for others to believe these things about you. This is your spouse. Cherish how he or she feels about you.

5. The Golden Rule especially applies to marriage. When something comes out of your mouth or a certain tone undoes whatever good thing you may have just said, ask yourself this question: If he had just said that to me in that way, how would I feel? Or go one step further: If any adult had just said that to me in that way, how would I feel?

It’s a sobering questions for self-reflection. {Ask me how I know.}

6. Redefine conflict. We’ve learned that growth and “success” in marriage is not the absence of conflict. Instead, it’s how quickly you get through and recover from the conflict. Conflict, if handled and processed with vision and grace, can be one of the most fruitful things a marriage experiences and continues to experience as it grows deeper roots and bears more fruit.

You’ll never love conflict and you’ll probably always have a tendency to avoid it. Be brave and ask God to fill you with grace and courage. You have to navigate difficult and sometimes unimaginable situations and emotions as you journey through life together. The beauty that dawns on the other side of necessary and fruitful conflict is worth the struggle. I promise.

7. The Myth of “Quality Time.” Two years ago my pastor’s wife challenged me in the best way on this issue. She told me that it takes all kinds of time with someone to really know them. All time is quality time.

And it’s true. You can’t cram the richness of the accumulated mundane into a capsule labeled “quality time,” swallow it whole, and then expect a relationship to flourish. Relationship takes time together. Not fun time, not special time, not romantic time. Just time. Don’t resent or neglect the everyday moments. They matter.

8. Kill comparison. And while you’re at it just go ahead and delete the word “normal” from your vocabulary. Your marriage is your marriage and no one else’s. No aspect of your marriage needs to look like your sister’s or your friend’s or that “perfect” couple’s at church. And it shouldn’t. Embrace the uniqueness–quirks, frustrations, and all–that is your marriage.

Comparison is a murderer and a liar. It kills the imperfect but meaningful life you already have by comparing your “worst” with someone else’s “best.”

9. Think of your marriage as a story. Which story would you rather read?

Story #1: Two perfect people find one another and live a life of perfect jobs and beautiful children, fortune and glam, dream vacations and the best parties. They never fight. They get everything they want. Life isn’t so much a journey; it’s more of a plateau. A plateau of perfection. They are paragons of all that the world deems successful. In the end, the characters are much the same as they were in the beginning.

Story #2: Two people, deeply flawed but very much in love, get married. Life is harder than they’d planned. Marriage isn’t always a bed of roses. They love, they sin, they doubt, they believe. Their life is a journey with peaks and valleys and everything in between. At times it looks like all is lost but they do not give up. Most importantly, the Author of the story doesn’t give up on them. In the end, the characters are scarred but sincere, broken but beautiful. Their life together was rich and true, not because it was perfect but precisely because it wasn’t.

10. Find the funny. We laughed all the time when we dated. You too? That’s what I thought. No matter how serious your situation or how mundane your days may seem, find the funny together. Whatever it takes, laugh. Kids are good for this. So is making fun of yourself. And also You Tube.

11. Go away. Yeah, I know what I said about the myth of quality time but that doesn’t mean you can’t ever have romantic time. We just got back from a 2-day getaway. We didn’t spend much money but we did spend a full 48 hours away from home, kids, work, laundry, and dirty dishes.

I can’t even tell you how restorative it was. I now think of these times together as an investment instead of an indulgence. And really, I’m thinking we can’t afford not to take time away to recharge and reconnect.

12. Know thyself. Whatever it takes, know who you are, how you’re wired, what makes you tick, what makes you come undone. I so wish we had done more of this in our younger years.

There are lots of ways to take inventory of yourself: the Myers-Briggs test, StrengthsFinder, the Enneagram. {It’s best if you have someone who understands these inventories and can help you.} I’m no expert but I do know that getting a better idea of my own intricacies and the ways in which I interpret the world around me, has helped me tremendously.

I better understand why I relate to my husband in the ways I do. And he understands why I am so crazy and confounding. Which brings me to the next point…

13. Know thy spouse. This is crucial. My husband and I are opposites in every way. Every. possible. way. That’s why we work. And also why we don’t. But knowing how one another thinks and operates, even if we can’t personally understand how the other thinks and operates, has been invaluable. Communication, responses, approaching the inevitable decisions that life brings–all have improved because we’ve made an effort to know and even appreciate the uniqueness of the other.

14. Counseling is not a badge of failure. Why do we think this? Why do we think we need to be in full-on crisis before we get help? If you think you may need it, you probably do. It doesn’t even have to be a formal, expensive thing.

Sometimes we simply need the gift of objectivity that outside perspective brings: a pastor, a trusted couple who’s a bit further down the road than you, or an actual marriage counselor.

15. Don’t struggle alone. Perhaps you want counseling and your spouse doesn’t. That’s okay. You can still go for you and it will help. Perhaps you’ve been privately struggling for years and no one knows. Resolve to talk to someone you trust sooner, rather than never.

God gave us relationships and communities because we need them. There is help, healing, and freedom when we bring what’s hidden into the light.

And because we are human and we will always struggle, it’s important that we continue to have ongoing conversations with trusted others about how our marriage is doing.

16. Your story is never over. We know marriages that have overcome unspeakable odds and those that didn’t make it. And if you’re in the latter category, hear me: you are not a failure or a second-class citizen.

Marriage is a good and sacred gift but it is not the ultimate thing.

Your marriage may have ended but that doesn’t define you and it doesn’t limit the beautiful hope of redemption in your life. Sometimes we have to let go of the good gift of marriage because there are decisions and circumstances beyond our control.

If this is your hard road, keep journeying my friend. Do not give up and do not live in a place of defeat. I pray that Grace will give birth to acceptance, hope, and courage in your life.

17. Guard your emotional intimacy. I’m all about close relationships with trusted others in my life. I have deep and honest connection with friends and family. Truly, there are certain situations in which I need a female perspective, just as my husband needs perspective and camaraderie with men in his life.

But. The deepest emotional connection in my life needs to be with my husband. If I find myself telling someone else certain things that I don’t feel comfortable telling him, well, that may be a red flag. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

18. Get back to dreaming. Way back in those early years, we dreamed. We talked about them, planned for them. The beauty and wonder of possibility is intoxicating.

But real life enters the picture, doesn’t it? Though there’s beauty in the midst of all that real, it’s so easy for the dreaming to die.

Somewhere along the way, we stop dreaming and focus on surviving.

A couple of years ago we started dreaming again and it ignited a spark. And though none of those dreams have actually transpired, in the dreaming we learned about the depth and desires of the other and even about the unspoken depth and desires within our own selves.

Dreaming together isn’t entirely about the destination. It’s about the intimacy forged in imagination.

So go ahead. Dream together, and see what happens.

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Happy Anniversary to my husband of 18 years. Saying yes to you is one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. Also, my mom was right when she predicted all those years ago, He’s going to age really well.

Want more thoughts on marriage? I shared a few others on my 40th birthday post.

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{This post was featured in Grace at Home over at my friend Richella’s place, Imparting Grace.}

8 Things I Learned on the First Day of Summer

June 17, 2014 by Marian 7 Comments

It’s only the second real day of summer for us. My kids finished school week before last but we bolted for the beach right after that. Yesterday was our first day of everyone at home without a schedule or any sort of slated responsibility and I’m here to tell you, it felt a little cuckoo. I’m all for freedom and lazy days and making the most of summer but I need to get my wits about me. That means I’ll be posting my third annual Summer Snack List and “Mom, I’m Bored” Lists on the fridge. Stat.

Here’s what I’ve learned about summer so far. Yes, in only one day.

1. I wake up wondering what I can paint white. Last summer I painted scores of picture frames, shelves, a mirror, and kitchen chairs. All white. And then yesterday rolled around and what started as a simple rearrangement and organization of the boys’ room somehow ended up with me in the garage whitewashing a monstrous black bookshelf and dodging wasps.

2. My kids want a popsicle every 15 minutes.

3. I will not survive without a caffeinated beverage each afternoon. Sweet tea and Coke Zero Vanilla are my current go-to cold drinks.

4. If there are pop-tarts in the house, I will eat them. Because it was vacation, I bought the 48-count frosted pop-tarts from Costco. This morning I inexplicably woke up at 4 am and guess what I couldn’t stop thinking about? Foil-wrapped fake pastries. And so I gobbled up frosted strawberry deliciousness in the dark. While driving to the gym.

5. It’s best to just kiss the blow dryer goodbye for the next three months because this is what happened when I fixed my hair nice and pretty for family beach photos in 96% humidity. Forty-five minutes I spent on this hair only to fall prey to the low-flow shower head hairdo.

6. Summer rolls around and I instantly feel inspired to make stuff. Except dinner. I’ve been lighting up Pinterest like the 4th of July these last few days. Here are a few fun things that I’d like to try and create here at home, maybe with the kiddos…or maybe not.

Faux Metal Letters

Watercolor Illustration {I like the idea of abstract watercolor flowers with ink-drawn details}

Watercolor Letters

7. Lower the standards. And then lower them again. Yesterday around dinner time my youngest asked if he could watch Nacho Libre. It’s become a family favorite with it’s spiritual leanings and profound dialogue. I thought of a dozen constructive things I could have him do but they involved supervision and thoughtfulness and patience and those things had already expired by noon. So I said yes and the next thing I knew the movie had pulled the other two kids from the far corners of our tiny house like a tractor beam and we were all laughing and repeating lines:

They think I do not know a buttload of crap about the Gospel, but I do!

Ok. Orphans! Listen to Ignacio. I know it is fun to wrestle. A nice piledrive to the face… or a punch to the face… but you cannot do it. Because, it is in the Bible not to wrestle your neighbour.

See how intentional and awesome my mom skills are with our discussions of the Gospel and the Bible? And it’s only the first day of summer. High five.

8. It really is a good idea to keep your Bible handy. Seriously. After the craziness of the last weeks of school and a week of vacationy off-schedule wonderfulness, I was feeling unanchored and snappy and restless, kind of like how I feel when I don’t eat real food. God’s Word is my food and when I don’t eat from it richly and regularly, it shows.

My husband and I are working through the Book of Ruth this summer in our Sunday School class and with each other at home but I needed something for myself. So I embarked on a summer study of the book of Hebrews. {Apparently it is kind of a hard book. Who knew?} Already, my outlook is different because my thoughts are more focused on Jesus and my heart is more trusting in his provision and bigness.

Summer is the loveliest time to take a vacation from our schedules and school-year stresses. But it’s such a needful time to stay grounded in Truth, especially with all of the 24 / 7 togetherness this introverted mom is clumsily adjusting to.

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So that’s what I’ve got after just one day of summer. I’m off to pull the snack lists from the archives and restore a bit of order to this band of movie-watching, pop-tart eating, not-sleeping-in summer pirates.

If you’re in full-on summer mode, what have you learned so far? What survival tips can you share with the rest of us? Please, I’m begging you — share the knowledge.

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6 Things I Learned in May

May 30, 2014 by Marian 9 Comments

It’s time to share the things we learned in May. The What We Learned posts are hosted by Emily Freeman as a “monthly community link-up to share the fascinating, ridiculous, sacred, or small.” Mine is usually just ridiculous. Want to know more of what I’m talking about? Go here. {And you really must click over because this month there’s a picture of what Barbie would look like without make-up. We are changing the world with these posts, people.}

In no particular order, here are things I’ve learned in May.

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1. May is the month of dumb. I don’t even know why I’m writing Things I “Learned” in May because if ever there is a month when the wheels simply fall off altogether, surely it is May. I’ve lost my keys and my wallet multiple times this month, I cannot remember basic words when trying to talk {or write}, I almost forgot my own birthday, a certain child has left a lunchbox at home three times this month even though said child has remembered it all year, and then another child left their backpack — their backpack — at home today. It should be noted that the kindergartener forgets nothing. He should totally be running the show because the rest of us are clueless.

And all of this cluelessness can only mean one thing: school needs to be done. We have 3 full days and 2 half days left. Amen and hallelujah. I’m reminded of this Jen Hatmaker post from last year: Worst End of School Year Mom Ever. There’s a reason that post went viral — because it’s 100% true. Mrs. Hatmaker hit the nail on the head.

We are limping, limping across the finish line, folks. I tapped out somewhere in April and at this point, it is a miracle my kids are still even going to school.

I couldn’t agree more. Dear Summer, please give us our brains back.

2. Fiction is good for the soul. Throughout the fall and winter, I was on a steady diet of serious books. Good books, helpful and instructional, insightful books, but not fiction. Maybe this is part of the reason my brain gave out this spring — too much thinking and introspection. I enjoy good and thoughtful fiction; I’m not a fan of fluffy reads with contrived dialogue. But there’s just something about story that’s renewing. In May I’ve devoured The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls {which is actually a memoir but reads like fiction}, Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston, and I’m making my way through The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton. Oh and I’m finishing up The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane by Kate DiCamillo with my littlest guy. {It’s such an exquisite, heart-wrenching, redemptive story. DiCamillo is one of my favorites. She has that rare gift of being able to weave the deepest of truths into the most beautiful children’s stories.}

3. Modern Mrs. Darcy has a fantastic Summer Reading Guide.

It’s her third annual guide and there’s something for most anyone I think. I appreciate that she breaks the list down into genres with a little blurb about each book. These lists are gold. I’m not affiliated with Modern Mrs. Darcy in any way; I’m simply a fan.

4. Stephen King wrote the story that was adapted into The Shawshank Redemption. Did you know this? I can’t believe I didn’t know this because Shawshank is one of my all-time favorite movies. My husband told me that last week and I immediately scribbled it down, thinking to myself “Oh this will be perfect to share in the next Things I Learned post.” The original story is a novella entitled Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption. It’s part of a collection of stories in Different Seasons. Now I’ve got to read the novella. {Also? I love the word “novella.”}

5. There are almost always options for the frustrations and “roadblocks” we face in our homes.

I wrote two posts this month about home-improvement hacks that actually worked, even though I was way skeptical. I’ve had a lot of trial and error and hilarity in my efforts over the years to feather my nest creatively and affordably. I’ve cussed at Modge Podge and hot glued things directly to the ceiling and used everything from a high heel to an ice-cream scoop to pound nails into my walls. I’ve experienced epic fails and accidental successes.

The stories of the sofa that won’t die and making one gigantic rug out of two pathetic ones are some recent hacks gone right, accidental successes that inspire me to embrace the supposed limitations.

6. Scientists have invented a Drinkable Book.

Have you seen this?!? I came across it on Ann Voskamp’s blog last weekend and at first I thought it wasn’t real. How could this possibly be real? But it’s totally a thing and one of the most amazing inventions I’ve ever seen — life-saving, world-changing, hope-inspiring innovation. If you haven’t seen this, you must.

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Perhaps May isn’t as void of brain activity as I thought. This post proves that I am, in fact, still learning things…even if I’m forgetting other things at a far more rapid pace than I’m learning new things.

Your turn. What cool, awe-inspiring, or ridiculous things did you learn in May?

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5 Things I Learned in April

April 30, 2014 by Marian 19 Comments

How is it the end of the April already? And why do we ask non-sensical questions about the passage of time like that? I’m waiting for someone to say, Well, it’s the end of April because the vernal equinox is ten degrees closer to blah, blah blah, and then actually explain from a scientific perspective how it is the end of the month or the end of summer or whatever. Also? I have no idea what the vernal equinox is and it if has anything to do with seasons. But you know what I mean — this spring seems to have flown by and it’s the end of another month and that means it’s time to share the things we learned in April. The What We Learned posts are hosted by Emily Freeman as a “monthly community link-up to share the fascinating, ridiculous, sacred, or small.” Mine is usually just ridiculous. Want to know more of what I’m talking about? Go here. In no particular order, here are things I’ve learned in April.

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1. @HistoricalPics is one of the best things on Twitter. I’m not really on Twitter very much but I’m a huge fan of these pics, probably because I taught American History and used loads of photos and other images in my courses. They post everything from pop culture icons in their more candid moments to Kennedy family photos to Ronald Reagan. In sweatpants. On Air Force One. You’re welcome for that one.

Here’s just a recent sampling of their pics.

BmPJsHACYAEilak — Beauty product ad from 1891. And now everyone is wishing it was still 1891.

BmRIldkIAAAlUdz — On the set of Star Wars. It’s almost like a cast selfie. Maybe Harrison Ford is holding up a camera in his right hand?

BmIf3d_IEAAT2gm — MJ and Mr. T. I pity the fool who doesn’t think these pics are totally awesome.

BmQmQCpCIAAVbGf — Ronald Reagan wearing sweatpants on Air Force One. Words cannot express how much I love this picture. I die every time I look at it.

2. Having a 13-year-old on social media means that I have fewer secrets. I recently posted this photo on Instagram with the caption: “The jar was full yesterday.” #irony.

Three minutes later my daughter came busting into my room asking for Jellybeans. Moms, be careful when posting photos of treats you don’t want to share.

3. And speaking of that book in the picture? Apparently I have a history of fuzzy and even non-existent boundaries. This explains a lot. I also wish I’d read this book about ten years ago. That’s all I’m going to say about it for now but maybe I’ll do a little review of it when I finish. It’s good but I’m not gonna lie, it’s messing with me a little bit.

4. There is always cash in the attic. I’ve been keeping my eye out for a “new” sofa for a while. And by “a while,” I mean about three years. I needed a deal but I didn’t want to scrimp on quality. A couple of weeks ago, I came across a listing on Craigslist for a $1,000 Rowe sofa priced at $150. I knew it was too good to be true. I was wrong. The sofa was just one of many lovely furniture items sitting in a gorgeous lake house. The couple was moving and getting rid of their extra furnishings. Needing to pay cash and being a bit short on it at the time, I sold a coffee maker, a mirror, some stamping sets I never used, and a collection of cookbooks. Junk in my attic = a new sofa in my living room. It’s been a good reminder that there are always things we can let go of in order to reach a goal.

Here’s a cell phone pic of the new sofa {and a bunch of junk I need to clean up.} I am all kinds of giddy. I’ve snagged some sweet deals in my life but this one may be the winner.

5. Spinning is not just something I did as a child on the merry-go-round. It is also not for babies. I mentioned in my last post that I haven’t run in six weeks due to an injury and how I reluctantly joined a gym in an effort to restore my mental health and add some civility back into my disposition. So far I’ve done some weights and the elliptical machine. This morning I did a spin class customized by a friend of mine, a fellow runner who swears by cross-training. I’m not sure why people make such a fuss over waterboarding and stuff like that. Just have the not-in-shape prisoners do some weights and take a spin class. They will spill all their secrets and then beg for mercy.

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So there you have it, the life-changing stuff I learned in April. Now I’m going to go look up what the vernal equinox is so that I can feel dumb. On top of feeling sore and wimpy.

What about you? Anything amazing, life-changing, or ridiculous you’ve learned in April?

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Things I Learned in March

March 28, 2014 by Marian 20 Comments

It’s the end of the month, y’all. You know what that means. It’s time to share the things we learned in March.

The What We Learned posts are hosted by Emily Freeman as a “monthly community link-up to share the fascinating, ridiculous, sacred, or small.”

Mine is usually just ridiculous.

Want to know more of what I’m talking about? Go here.

In no particular order, here are things I’ve learned in March.

1. I confess that I’m a tad embarrassed for not knowing this, seeing as how I taught American History and all. Apparently I now study history via Twitter, which is where I first saw this bizzare bit of trivla. John Tyler, the 10th US president, has two grandsons who are still alive today. Tyler died at the age of 72. That was 152 years ago. What? I did the math and still couldn’t figure out how this is even possible. I discounted the fact than Tyler was still fathering children {15 in all} well into his 60s. And then one of those sons fathered children into his 70s. There is much inappropriate commentary I could offer right now but maturity prevails.

2. You can go straight from yoga class to the boardroom. Dress yoga pants are an actual thing. You can thank a company called Betabrand for this fashion hybrid.

{via}

Here’s a quote from the designer: A lot of women wear their exercise leggings just about everywhere — they practically live in them — the Dress Pant Yoga Pants allow you to do that but look classier in the process. A faux zipper, belt loops, and “non-functional front button” = “classy.” Um, okay. I have nothing against the pants. I’m just wondering how many excuses are really necessary for not wearing real clothes to the office. Carry on in your dress yogas but if I see “dress pajama pants” as the next I-don’t-want-to-change-my-clothes-in-order-to-go-to-work trend, it’s time to protest. I am all about comfort and I practically live in loungewear but are regular pants really that constricting? Are khakis going to become the corset and girdle of the 21st century?

3. The 80s will always have the last laugh. I was in Starbucks this week and saw a darling college girl with high-top, solid-white Nike sneakers straight from 1984. I distinctly remember my fellow 6th-graders wearing those to school with their parachute pants and breakdancing during recess. But that’s not all. Cropped tops, the ones that show your stomach, are actually being sold in real stores for real money and being worn by real girls. I say “girls” because if your stomach skin has stretched thin enough to house a growing human, cropped tops are not for you. To be honest (or “TBH” as I learned from my 13-year-old), I’m not sure they’re for anyone. But wear them if you wish. And college girls, enjoy your crop tops now. Your midriffs’ days are numbered. The 80s don’t have the last laugh after all. Stretch marks do. {Seriously, are y’all seeing this mega trend too? Crop tops? Really?}

4. Just because someone lives in your house doesn’t mean they should take your profile picture.

That’s all I’m going to say. You’ll hear more about the travails of DIY-ing your new blog’s profile picture next week. But see that little profile picture up there in the corner with the lovely office backdrop and Marian with an actual head and body? It was almost this, which might have turned the blog into Marian Vischer: Writing About Foreheads and Trees.

5. WordPress. Yep, I started learning WordPress this month after almost 7 years of using Blogger. I’m sort of clunky and awkward with it and I have already accidentally deleted stuff. Maybe this is just how it goes when you’re 40 and trying to learn new computery things. Which leads me to my next point.

6. If you build a new blog, they will come. I’m still a bit overwhelmed by the outpouring of well-wishes over the new blog. The morning I launched it, I feared my phone and laptop might blow up. There was a lot going on in my teensy little corner of the internet. I was so giddy and grateful I think I wrote every single person back in the comments section. It felt like an open house minus the cookies and punch. Thank you, thank you for coming to visit, for being so kind, for liking my blog’s Facebook page, and all of that stuff. If this is your first time here and you have no idea what I’m talking about, just go here and I’ll fill you in.

Enjoy your weekend whether you’re sporting dress yoga pants, casual yoga pants, Run DMC throwback Nikes, or cropped tops.

Your turn. What did you learn in March?

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And Then She Was a Teenager. 13 Things I’m Learning in Her 13th Year.

March 7, 2014 by Marian 7 Comments

My girl turned 13 on Sunday. Her birthday week was such a whirlwind of gifting and celebration and cooking that I didn’t have time to process the emotion of it all. It’s probably why as I sit down to write this now, the tears well up unannounced.

My oldest and only daughter is a teenager. What?

We have just over five years left together before she likely leaves home. The reality is more than I can bear. It’s easy to be fueled by panic when you begin to think in these terms. It’s tempting to amp up and get crazy intentional about getting it right from here and out and making sure she’s prepared and knows what she needs to know. I want our relationship to be perfect and awesome so that her remaining time under this roof is nothing but pedicures and laughter and chick flicks.

But if parenthood has taught me anything, it’s that we can’t rush or manufacture anything. Relationship takes time. Lots of it. Wisdom shows up gently and slowly. Too slowly for my taste. Figuring it out is laced with more failures than successes. Embarrassing, fall-on-your-face failures.

I may have a clue about what I’m doing by the time she leaves home. {Why is knowledge backwards like that?}

And that’s why I’ve titled this post, “13 I’m Learning” instead of “13 Things I’ve Learned.” I’m nothing if not in process.

Here they are, in no particular order.

1. The winds of adolescence are fickle breezes.

{And by breezes I mean the tsunami variety.} This very week has brought everything from euphoria and gratitude to hysterical tears and silent treatments. Do your best to stay calm and take deep breaths. {You, not her.} The current weather condition will soon pass.

2. Remember.

My adolescence was fine and good on the outside but a hot mess on the inside. I didn’t realize that I stood at the precarious intersection of hormones, change, insecurity, and mounting stress. I didn’t realize that my crazy was actually normal. It’s a wonder any of us survive. Remembering the volatility of my own internal waters all those years ago can help me have more compassion and grace as she navigates her own waves…even if she sometimes leaves us in the turbulent wake of it all.

{Unfortunately, my girl learned from the best. It’s tempting for me to sink to her level instead of being the mature mom that I obviously am. Situations have at times looked like this: “I’ll see your 5 on the freak-out scale and raise you 50. Do not mess with me because I invented the freak-out. I am going to out-drama you, sister!” This is a very bad idea. Very bad indeed.}

3. Do not take it personally.

I repeat, do not take it personally. Detach. As much as you can. Deep breaths. As many as it takes. Decompress. After the storm has died down.

4. Respect.

She’s a little girl and young woman hybrid right now. Think about how awkward and confusing that is. And while she still wants to be cared for, she has a growing longing to be heard. Treating her like a child can insult her and harden her heart toward you. Lovingly respect her need to be heard. But it’s also vitally important that the respect is mutual. You’re still the parent. {Disrespect yields major consequences in this house, no matter how old you are.}

5. Be very honest about the facts of life and the realities of this world.

Yes, it might be uncomfortable for you both. No, she may not want to hear it from you. Tell her anyway. She will learn things eventually and it’s better that she learns it from you, tawdry details and all. We had one such conversation this week. I wouldn’t call it fun but I’d definitely call it needful. My hope is that talking about “heavy” and uncomfortable things on a regular basis will make her more likely to come to me in the future when it transitions from theory to real life. I might be wrong about this but I figure I have nothing to lose by putting it all out there. I may, however, have something to lose if I don’t.

6. Find the things that bring you together and prioritize them, no matter how trivial or superficial.

Shopping, pedicures, watching favorite shows together–these are my girl’s love languages. I could {and have} rationalized that these are not exactly the most world-changing endeavors. But if these are the things that bring us together and keep our relationship tight, they’re worth every superficial penny. It’s not about the worthwhileness of the activity; it’s about the connection forged over time in the togetherness.

7. Hope for the best. Be prepared for the worst.

Love and respect are unconditional but trust must be earned. Whenever I’m tempted to implicitly trust her, I remember my own duplicity all those years ago…and I think better of it. I respect her basic needs for privacy–getting dressed, having her own room, time to herself, etc. That’s pretty much where it ends. {Types the mom who has full access to her daughter’s iPad mini and every single app.} Guess what? Our kids are sinful.They will make bad decisions. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent; it means your kids are human.

8. Notice the becoming.

She’s creative, analytical, and infinitely curious. She loves being with her friends but recharges in solitude. Her strengths and weaknesses come out in myriad ways and God only knows what she’ll end up doing with her life. As a parent, it’s my job to notice her gifts, to foster them as best I can, and to teach her that God plans to use her uniqueness for her good and for the good of others and most of all, for his glory.

9. Know her limits and guard them as if her life depends on it.

Because it just might. Rest, stress, activities, margin–you still have control over these. Today’s adolescents are woefully under-rested and over-scheduled. Our toughest battles this year have been over the good endeavors we’ve said no to. I second-guessed these displeasing decisions at the time and now I feel nothing but relief that we stuck to our guns. Our family life and family schedule and family sanity are all the better for it.

10. Never underestimate the power of a mental-health day.

This one is really a life lesson for all of us. After a particularly stressful and busy two weeks this winter, I dropped her off at school on a Friday morning like I always do, got home, and had a gut-feeling that I needed to bring her back home. It had been the most emotional morning in the history of ever. The stress and exhaustion had shown itself in all sorts of unlovely ways. I checked her out of school during first period, took her to Starbucks, and declared it a mental health day. I had a gut feeling she needed rest more than she needed school. The next day she came down with the flu. Which brings me to another point: trust those maternal instincts. You have them for a reason.

11. Keep telling her that your boundaries are rooted in love and protection, even if she hates you for it.

Especially if she hates you for it. Keep telling her even if she doesn’t believe you and even though all of your rules seem to be ruining her life at the moment and even if you’re the “only mom” who has to approve every friend she accepts on Instagram. Also? Keep telling yourself that your boundaries are rooted in love and protection. When emotions are high and you could temporarily make it all better by giving her what she wants, try to think long-term. And please, hold my hand and remind me of this too?

12. Surprise her with grace.

Draw the boundary-lines deep. Let natural consequences be the best teacher. Don’t rush in and save her every time she needs help. But for the love, weave grace through it all. Sometimes that does mean rushing in and saving her. Sometimes it means getting her out of school for the day. Sometimes it means purchasing something she doesn’t deserve and sometimes it means letting her out of consequences she does deserve. This is how the Father treats us; let his character spill over into our relationships with our own children.

13. Love her for who she is and not for who you want her to be.

{Even if you end up being the reluctant cheer mom.}

And really, doesn’t this apply to every relationship? And isn’t this how all of us long to be loved?

There’s far more that I’m learning but these are the thirteen things that floated to the surface for this post.

My current season of motherhood is sure to be intense, but I’m full of hope that much of it will be intensely good. We watched the Oscars together Sunday night and I realized just how fun it’s going to be to hang out as grown-up {ish} girls together in the coming years.

For all of you who may be on the other side of raising teenagers, what are the lessons you’ve learned? We’d love to learn from you.

And for your weekend reading, here are two of my favorite posts about teenage daughters that my friend Emily Freeman wrote last year. They are beautifully insightful.

One Thing You Daughter Doesn’t Need You to Say

12 Things Your Daughter Needs You to Say

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10 Things I Learned In February

February 28, 2014 by Marian 10 Comments

I love these posts. They provide an opportunity to walk on the lighter side of life as I share the stuff I’ve learned this month.

The What We Learned posts are hosted by Emily over at Chatting at the Sky as a “monthly community link-up to share the fascinating, ridiculous, sacred, or small.”

Mine is mostly just ridiculous.

Want to know more of what I’m talking about? Go here.

In no particular order, here are ten things I’ve learned in February.

1. If I don’t unpack a duffel back within 48 hours of returning from a trip, it may sit there for two months.

We went to Florida before Christmas. My unpacked bag is still in my closet. I’ve also learned that slackerness tends to beget slackerness. The unpacked bag has managed to spread its slothful contagion to the rest of the closet and the entire area is now a full-fledged epidemic of clothing chaos. Every day I write “clean the closet” on my to-do list and every day it mocks me in its still-unchecked state. At this point I’m contemplating just leaving the duffel bag packed for our beach trip in June.

2. I can cut my food budget almost in half without clipping coupons. {or making everything from scratch}

3. A dusting of snow down south will get you out of school for almost a week. And provide many days of jokes about “milk sandwiches.”

4. Papa John’s makes heart-shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day. We may have started a tradition with this one.

5. How to fake a monogram. {for moms like me who don’t know how to sew}

My daughter is a fan of the monogram. We took this ho-hum navy gym bag and turned it into something preppy and cute.

Just print a monogram online. Trace it onto an iron-on transfer sheet. Cut it out and iron.

A word of warning: If you are ironing the monogram onto a nylon gym bag, please place a towel flat inside the gym bag to prevent melting the front and back of the bag together. If you realize that you have in fact done this in error, quickly and carefully attempt to peel the layers apart and try not to let the molten nylon burn off your fingerprints in the process.

6. My favorite Easter treats are the Cadbury mini-eggs. Anyone else? The mini-bags are just 99 cents and buy one get one free this week at CVS. The mini-bags are great because you don’t have to worry about eating so many. Unless you keep going back to CVS to purchase additional mini bags, all the while rationalizing that they are essentially just samples. Well-played mini-bag. Well-played.

7. When my 6-year-old confesses anything or hatches various plans to his best friend while standing in the front yard shrubs and I am working at my desk right next to the front windows, I can hear every. single. word.

Yesterday’s bit of surveillance revealed that he got in trouble at school and had to move his clip. {Who has super-powers? This mom, that’s who.} When I brought it up at dinner, he looked at me as though I were telepathic. Please don’t tell him. I will only be able to blow his mind in this way for another year or two and I am taking full advantage.

8. I don’t feel ready to have a teenager. But like it or not, my girl turns 13 on Sunday.

The embarrassing and ironic part is that on any given day, I feel we are complete equals regarding our emotional maturity level. I fear that I may never outgrow being easily overwhelmed, ridiculously irrational, and paralyzed by everyday decisions. As you might imagine, having two of our kind in the same house is all sorts of fun and not at all overwhelming for anyone, especially not my long-suffering husband.

9. How to watercolor without being a real artist. You’ve probably heard of Waterlogue by now. If not, it’s an iPhone app that allows you to turn any photo into a watercolored work of art.

Here’s a photo I snapped with my phone of Cinderella’s castle.

Here it is in Waterlogue.

I’m addicted.

My friend, Richella, did a great tutorial on how to print Waterlogue photos and turn them into real art for your home.

10. What celebrities would look like as normal people. With the Oscars fast approaching, this link just seems timely and right. I’ll give you a peek.

Brad & Angelina.

You’re welcome. If you tune in to the red carpet interviews this Sunday night and begin to feel just a tad frumpy and less-than in your sweatpants and drugstore mascara, close your eyes and visualize your favorite celebrity sans million-dollar stylist, personal trainer, Spanx, and couture gown. Picture this middle-class, middle-America Brad and Angelina, the ones who never got famous and splurged on a portrait session at the Walmart photo center. You’ll feel a thousand times better.

Happy Oscars weekend, friends!

So, what have you learned this month?

4 Things I Learned in December

December 30, 2013 by Marian 7 Comments

It’s that time again. The post where I share a few things I’ve learned or noticed this month.

It’s not an exhaustive list, nor will it change your life. But it’s a fun post to write and I’m thankful that Emily over at Chatting at the Sky offers this link-up opportunity at the end of each month. Want to know more of what I’m talking about? Go here.

In no particular order, here are four things I’ve learned in December.

1. I want high-waisted, layered, ruffly 80s skirts to make a comeback.

Even though I’m entirely too old to wear one. The acid-wash is more than welcome to remain in the late-80s / early-90s; it’s the layery ruffles that are so swoony.

We had a little Christmas party. It’s something we started two years ago as a time for our small group to gather and munch and sip and karaoke to “Total Eclipse of the Heart” on Singstar. Anyway, this year I dressed up as the “Ghost of Scooper Past” and I pulled this little number from the wardrobe archives.

Even though it was only partially zippable, it was kind of fab to wear it again. {The belt, socks, and booties are all from my little box of yesteryear wear. Because some things are just worth saving.}

2. Everything is overpriced at Disney {this is not news} except for one thing: silhouettes.

We went to Disney World during the first part of Christmas break with my husband’s family and I stumbled upon a little artists’ section in the Magic Kingdom.

Hidden amid the expected theme-park caricature painters was an unexpected silhouette artist named Anthony. I’ve always wanted silhouettes of my kids but have never gotten them. Well, Disney World became my happiest place on earth that day because I got sweet silhouettes of each of my kids for just $8 each. Eight dollars. If you’ve ever looked into getting silhouettes, you know that $8 is a bargain times ten. You can also purchase the oval frames for $7.95 so I said Merry Christmas and told my kids that this was their gift to me.

Here’s how my curly-headed youngest’s turned out. Spot on.

Instead of sketching or painting, Anthony cut them with scissors. It was amazing to watch. He had these tiny, fine-tip scissors and he finished each one in about four minutes. It was like magic and I think they turned out beautifully.

What’s the moral of the story? If you go to Disney, skip the $40 souvenir t-shirts and get the $8 silhouettes.

3. My daughter is growing up.

I notice it every day. More and more, my stuff is becoming her stuff. Sweaters and scarves and necklaces are disappearing at an alarming rate and I can usually find them strewn over the hot-pink desk chair in her room or stashed inside her tote bag.

This makes me happy and sad. A girl grows up entirely too fast. This is truth. But it’s also a sweet thing to bond over our kindred love of accessories and slouchy sweaters. I’m thinking the mascara and lip gloss may begin to disappear next.

4. Writing is like running.

I’ve really struggled with both of these the last two months. I blame the winter and the blahs and the sicknesses and the holidays and how all of these can suck the inspiration and confidence right out of a girl. And while all of this is true, too much time off or just simple inconsistency have a way of turning a running break or writer’s block into stagnation and discouragement.

Before long, you don’t even want to try because you know it’s going to be a struggle. It might even hurt. Perhaps you’ll hate yourself a little bit and question if you’re ever meant to lace up your running shoes or open your laptop again.

I’ve been a runner longer than I’ve been a writer and any runner will tell you this obvious truth: the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Any writer will tell you the same thing about plucking away at the keyboard.

If you only lace up or boot up when inspiration strikes, you will most likely feel clunky and exhausted.

I’m looking forward to shaking off the cobwebs on my sneakers and my laptop in the coming weeks…even though it’s going to feel awkward and painful and I will curse my haphazard ways.

Aren’t you glad the beginning of the year is right around the corner? A fresh start is always a gift.

That’s all I’ve got for December. I’m sure there are many other things I’ve noticed but they have come and gone in my brain, drowned in the sea of cheese, creamy coffee, and holiday confections that have been my steady diet the last few weeks.

What have you learned in December?

5 Things I Learned in November

November 29, 2013 by Marian 3 Comments

It’s that time again. The post where I share what I’ve learned this month. It’s not an exhaustive list, nor will it change your life. But it’s a fun post to write and I’m thankful that Emily over at Chatting at the Sky offers this link-up opportunity at the end of each month. Want to know more of what I’m talking about? Go here.

In no particular order, here are five things I’ve learned in November.

{So technically this first one reaches back into October but I’m using it anyway.}

1. Sometimes going the extra mile for our kids is totally worth it, even if you lose a bit of sanity in the process.

My Facebook post on October 30th:

Halloween. The holiday that is evil not because of witches and ghosts but because mothers everywhere are losing their religion over an ‘easy’-30-minute-turned-six-hour-costume creation. Last year? A human-sized bag of Skittles. This year? A hand-painted Michigan football helmet.

I told the kids we weren’t buying anything this year, that we were using stuff we had. Since my 10-year-old had Michigan football player gear, I figured I’d just paint a plastic helmet navy blue and slap on a Michigan emblem. But no. Because Michigan helmets don’t look like that. They look like this:

No big deal, I thought. It’s a simple enough design. Four hours later, I was ready to stress-eat a 10-pound bag of kiddie mix and just spend the $20 at Walmart on a skeleton costume. But paint on I did and in the end, I had a sweet and grateful mini football player.

He was so grateful that I received a thank-you note a few days later. {Totally indulgent to show you this but I can’t resist.} It’s a keeper because y’all, he gave me hearts for eyes. I will swoon forever over this card.

2. It is a lovely and affirming thing to hang out with fellow bloggers.

I’ve been writing here for over five years and I don’t know about most bloggers, but I don’t actually have real-life friends where I live who blog. While other moms are getting laundry done or organizing their kids’ classroom holiday parties or homeschooling or going back into the workplace, I’m sitting in my pajamas or at Starbucks {but not in my pajamas at Starbucks} writing posts about being a reluctant cheer mom and other assorted randomness.

It can seem a little strange. But having the opportunity to attend the Allume conference helped me feel a little less weird. I had the best time hanging out with hundreds of Christian blogging women gathered for a weekend of keynotes and workshops and fellowship.

And then spiraled into a post-conference pit of introvert exhaustion for the next five days.

3. At Allume, I learned about an incredible organization called Sole Hope. If you have a minute, check them out.

I spent Saturday afternoon at the conference cutting out fabric that will be sewn into shoes for kids in Africa, saving their feet from parasites and disease. The shoe-making also translates into work for African men and women.

For just $10, you can buy a kit for a shoe-cutting party. I bought one at Allume and I’m thinking this might be a great activity for my daughter and her middle school friends or a fun and meaningful activity for family over the holidays. Lots of possibilities. All you need are some good scissors and old jeans. They provide everything else.

4. Oprah had a yard sale. And I am still sad I missed it. But seeing as how she sold a pair of Louis XVI arm-chairs, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have afforded a single thing. Still, Oprah + Yard Sale? Yes, please.

5. And speaking of shopping, we experienced the strangest consumerist role reversal ever this morning.

My husband {a total non-shopper} and my daughter {a total shopper} went Black Friday shopping early this morning while I slept in. What?!?

Nothing like this has ever happened. And then it got even weirder.

Ten minutes before they got home, I get this phone call from my anti-shopping husband:

Um, I’m sorry. I over-bought. But don’t worry, I’ll be returning stuff.

It’s officially Bizarro World. {Name that reference?}

………

I’m sure there’s more stuff I’ve learned but I am still in a pecan pie / dressing / yeast roll coma from yesterday and my brain is a tad fuzzy.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend, friends.

What did you learn this month?