The Year of Simplicity: Decisions & School Daze {Part 1}

My kids entered public school a few weeks ago. If you know me or have read my blog, you'll know that I've been homeschooling for the past four and a half years.

We had not been planning to put them in school. None of us had much time to prepare and as it turns out, that was for the best. No time to over-think, no time to over-stress, no time to work myself into more of a twisted mess of nerves than I already was.

Here's how it all went down.

Thursday, December 8th we entered the office for our regularly-scheduled counseling appointment. I spoke honestly about my unraveling and the "symptoms" thereof. The counselor listened and asked questions and shared a few observations. And then he said, I think you need to consider taking homeschooling off your plate for now. You need space in your life.

I spent quite a lot of time telling him and my husband why that wouldn't work, why it wouldn't be best for the kids, how I needed time to get them ready, and so on. I cried and fought but as I looked at my teary-eyed husband nodding his head and listened to my counselor's gentle, sincere words, I knew deep down that they were both right. 

I just needed permission to let a good thing go. 

Through a series of quick and miraculous events, my kids started at the public school of our choice just four days after that meeting. Instead of beginning in January, they began during one of the most fun weeks of the year: Christmas party week. The principal invited them to come early, make some friends, meet their teachers, and have some fun. So they did. 

Though I've remained open to my kids one day going to school, I assumed I'd spend the entire year prior to their "re-entry" getting them ready and getting myself ready. An entire year to fill in curricula gaps, do the appropriate testing, ask a bazillion questions, etc. 

I had four days. As it turns out, there was no reason for all of that stress and preparation. They have friends and love their teachers and get right on their homework {most days}. In the words of my daughter, Mommy, they teach stuff so good there. 

Clearly I have been a fine and upstanding homeschool mom with grammatically brilliant sentences like that one coming out of my 5th-grader's mouth. 

Because all of this happened so quickly, I couldn't really process it in the moment. So I've been swinging like an emotional pendulum ever since then and while the kids have adjusted just fine, dear ol' mom is still trying to get her wits about her.

But here's what it all boils down to. Sometimes the best thing is not the best thing if it's just not realistic. A method or model or system, no matter how noble or ideal, is only as good as the ones {or "one" in my case} carrying it out. 

Homeschooling, as beautiful as it still is in my mind and in my memories over the last four and a half years, is not worth one's physical health, marriage, or sanity. 

Sometimes we have to put a stake in the ground and pin down the bare bones priorities. Everything else is negotiable. 

For me, it wasn't so much the carrying out of the homeschool responsibilities. My kids were becoming fairly independent and relatively compliant learners. But we were with one another all the time. I was constantly overseeing something and being needed either directly or indirectly. My days hinged upon my productivity and the productivity of my student-children. 

While I think I could have managed all of that during a season of relative stability, the stress of the previous year(s) had begun to weigh heavily until I was edgy and breathless from the dangerous combination of baggage and busyness.

My counselor and my husband were wise. I needed space. Space to rest and space to heal. 

After season upon season of steady unraveling, we declared this the season of being knit. And so I am more still than I've ever been, more able to do business with the undealt-with emotions that lurk beneath the surface and undo me when I least expect it.

It is a balancing act and I am teetering at best. Too much introspection and reflection can become indulgent, narcissistic even. Not enough can lead to a desperate, dried-up, unhealthy shell of a person. 

I know this but still, I'm struggling against the guilt of doing so much less than I ever have. 

There is a difference between productivity and fruitfulness, another nugget of truth provided by my counselor and reinforced by my husband. Sometimes stillness is the most fruitful thing a person can do. This notion is obviously rocking my world and I'd be lying if I said I had it all figured out. 

But I do know this. I had become a mommy martyr, determined to keep doing the "right thing" for my kids even if it killed me. And while there may one day be a season in which we return to living and learning at home, for this season we are all getting a bit of space as I come up for air. 

For some reason, this decision is a tough one to write about. I have fought the urge to just sit on it and wait until things are a bit more crystallized in my mind. But I am nothing if not honest in this space I share with all of you precious readers. So I've decided to just share our story as it unfolds and we'll take this journey together. 

Thank you for coming with me. I have more to share about this topic of simplicity and schooling and tough decisions, so stay tuned for Part II, coming....sometime.  

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