When I haven’t posted anything here in a while, it feels a bit like visiting a friend who I haven’t seen in a while and feeling guilty about my absence. I want to make all sorts excuses and apologize.

Until I realize that this is a place of grace and consolation for me. And so are all of you.

I’ve been known to turn it into a place of performance and expectation and then I’m reminded of how contrary that is to the purpose of this space.

I’m here now, on this day, writing the real. And actually hitting publish on a post that I’ve worked on in bits and pieces all week.

The time off {not that I’ve been napping or eating bon-bons} has been good for me in certain ways. It’s forced me to reckon with my limitations and sift through my truest priorities. It’s allowed me to transition into some new things.

So I thought I’d write a little update, for those who are interested.

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Our house is still for sale, despite many showings and happy feedback. The stars simply haven’t aligned in all the ways they need to. So we continue to show it and I continue to stress each time that happens because a) three kids and a dog  b) eight months of this  c) It is beastly to make one’s lived-in home look showplace-ish.

The good news is that I’ve come to a place of deep surrender. I think, anyway. While I do stress over showing the house, I no longer stress about selling it or finding a new one or the timing of things. Jesus now carries those burdens and my heart and mind are lighter and better for it. If you know me, you know that this sort of freedom is nothing short of supernatural.

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I started a new job, working part-time for a local non-profit. The job found me at just the right time and I’m ever so grateful for the gift of flexible employment from home. I’m creating blog content, overseeing a website, and doing social media marketing. I sort of know what I’m doing and sort of don’t.

But here’s the cool thing. Sometimes you don’t realize you have a skill set until someone else says, “Hey, I’ve noticed you can do certain things and I need those certain things done. Want to work for me?” As I surveyed the last couple of years, I realized that I accidentally acquired a skill set without knowing it.

Having my own blog + working with photos and graphics + moving to a self-hosted WordPress site + managing said site + easing my own blog into social media = skillz.

Who knew?

Anyway, I’m learning a lot and feeling a little bit empowered / a lot clueless, depending on the moment.

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Here’s something else. Teenagers. Y’all, this is hard.

If you have a teenager or a few, please don’t tell me how much you love these years and that it’s not that hard. Don’t tell me a book I should read or a method to try. Because a) I’m already reading them and b) not all teenage years are created equally and c) I’m a bit fragile about all of this right now.

Also, there are aspects of parenting teenagers that I love. So please don’t hear that it’s all difficult.

In my limited observation, I believe that teenagers are simply taller versions of their toddler selves. I certainly was. My own children are proving to be the same way.

When I consider the parallels between teens and toddlers, I think of this COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL scenario:

No, we are not buying this Barbie today. {Mom holds her breath and grits teeth as toddler throws tantrum in the middle of Target.}

No, you are not going to this sleepover tonight. {Mom grits teeth and holds her breath as teenager throws a tantrum at home and refuses to speak to anyone for 24 hours.}

It’s pretty much the same thing. But oh my word, the stakes feel ever so higher and the ability to not take it personally is ever more challenging.

Strong-willed and inflexible tiny humans develop into strong-willed and inflexible bigger humans.

I can’t “write the real” so much about parenting anymore because my kids are older and I want to honor their privacy. Their stories are now their own to share, or not to share. That’s probably for the best.

Paul Tripp calls this angsty season an “age of opportunity” and he’s right. I don’t want to simply grit my teeth and survive these roller-coastery years. I want to be honest but I don’t want to speak with disdain. I long to be “all in.” But that requires vulnerability, perseverance, and wisdom that I don’t possess. So I’m mostly just throwing myself at the feet of Jesus and tossing up desperate prayers and shutting my own self in my room when I can’t say anything nice and binging on the Gospel of grace in its rawest, realest form.

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With a house still for a sale and a new job to learn and kids to parent and a hard-working husband to love and various little endeavors scattered throughout the week, my own writing suffers from neglect as it attempts to find a makeshift home in the nooks and crannies of my life.

This makes me sad and even a bit panicked sometimes.

But I do believe that writing is not just something I like to do, it’s something I have to do. I also believe it’s something I’m meant to do.

My dear friend and literary teacher reminds me that, when studying characters, we must remember that the strongest desire wins. That’s a blog post in itself but as it relates to me and to my own strong desire to write my way through the epic and the everyday, I hope it means that writing will still win.

My rhythms will have to change and I don’t have it figured out yet. I’ll have to settle for less time and maybe more typos. If I wait on perfectionism in the form of “enough time” and “life-changing content” and “delectable prose,” well, I might as well shut my laptop and bid you farewell.

Here’s my point: I’ll keep showing up here and I invite you to keep showing up too. I sincerely hope that I’ll settle into a new and consistent rhythm, even if it’s not with the frequency I dream of.

Again, if this becomes a place of performance — and then hiding when I’m not performing up to my hopes and expectations — then I undermine the very comfort and grace of this writerly home that’s become so dear.

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Thanks for showing up here, friends. For your readership and encouragement and kindred-ness. You help make it such a place of grace.

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